Warriors: A Parody
by lugirox
Summary: A parody of Warriors, that features Jayfeather, Dovewing, Lionblaze, Ivypool and Hollyleaf in the starring roles! Rated M for sex, language, and some violence. Not for those who are easily offended.
1. Chapter 1: Sandstorm's Sugary Treats

Warriors: A Parody

**Chapter 1**

Dovewing opened her eyes, ready to start her new day, and lifted her head, to see her sister Ivypool creepily looking at her.

"Ivypool… Are you off your meds again?" Dovewing meowed, and Ivypool padded over to Brackenfur. "AAHAHAHHH! FOX!" She exclaimed. "What? Fox? Where?" He meowed.

Ferncloud, all the way at the nursery, heard Brackenfur and Ivypool, and looked at her twelve kits all playing. "Oh no! A fox! Get in, err…. Whateveryournameiskit, and everyone else! Get in!" She yowled.

This happened to catch Firestar's attention, and ran out of his den, onto the Highledge. "Hey, Firestar, why is your fur all fluffed out?" Molepaw asked, laughing. Sandstorm followed after, with a mischievous look on her face. "I gave Firestar some sugary treats…" She remarked, and Molepaw gasped. "OH MY STARCLAN! SANDSTORM, COULD I PLEASE HAVE SOME SUGARY TREATS? PLLLLEEEAAAASSSEEE? YOU GAVE FIRESTAR SOME!"

Mousefur, hearing this, poked her head out of the elder's den, agreed with Molepaw. "I could go for some of Sandstorm's sugary treats right now."

"GUYS! A FOX IS ON THE LOOSE! WHATEVERTHEIRNAMEISKIT AND THE OTHERS MIGHT BE ATTACKED!" Ferncloud yowled in pain.

"Like it matters, her and Dustpelt could just fire up the assembly line again… We've all seen that they're well capable of making more." Cherrypaw muttered to Molepaw, and they both snickered.

Dovewing ran out of the warriors den apologetically. "I'm sorry, there's no fox, Ivypool's off her meds, she made it up!" She exclaimed.

Jayfeather came out of the medicine den with a 'Pff.' "I knew it, because when I was talking to all those dead cats, they told me nothing about a fox. Hey, where's Lionblaze?"

Behind the warriors den, Lionblaze and Cinderheart were pretty intense, rubbing each other's fur, making out.

Purdy went over to the kits. "Storie tiem!" He exclaimed, and they all cheered and came together. "I wa wons travulin al da wa thru a 2legplas ann I waz al getin urp in daere fasiz fosho." He began, and Lilykit looked shocked. "OMS! THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

Hollyleaf padded behind the warriors den, to see Lionblaze and Cinderheart. "What are you two doing? Anything against the warrior code?" She asked frantically. "Making out behind the warriors den is against the Warrior code! It's printed right in Book 7, Appendix 16, Section 3, Subsection 15, Paragraph 147, and Line 5! If you want this to be legal, move behind the leader's den." Hollyleaf ordered bossily.

Jayfeather suddenly delved into the dreams of Lionblaze. He was… frenching Cinderheart. Of cour- Whoa, now it's getting a little graphic! Heathertail is joining the party! Then, it all turned to darkness and the ominous spirit of Firestar's fat kittypet mommy appeared. "_Lion will touch friend, then touch friend and enemy."_ "OMS! A prophecy! But what does it mean?" He asked. Then, he was switched to a party scene, that included Bluestar, Yellowfang, Spottedleaf, Oakheart, Whitestorm, and Lionheart. Bluestar and Yellowfang were… making out? Oakheart was drunkily dancing to 'It's Raining Men' by the Weather Girls, and made out with Lionheart.

"What does this mean? Tis' StarClan's will for me to find out." Jayfeather meowed, and went back to the normal world. "IVYPOOL! SHE NEEDS HER MEDS NOW!" Dovewing yowled, and Jayfeather got pissed. "You don't know how it feels! You don't know how it feels to be blind! I hate my life! I hate it! I hate it a lot!"

"DOVEWING, IT'S AGAINST THE WARRIOR CODE TO YOWL IN CAMP!" Hollyleaf yowled.

Eventually, Jayfeather stopped his rant, and Ivypool was normally medicated once more. Suddenly, Jayfeather approached Lionblaze. "Lionblaze, we need to go on a journey." He meowed, and told him about the party dream. "And, I think I know where to visit. SkyClan!"

**Note: I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Please review, and a new chapter will come soon, with brand new material!**


	2. Chapter 2: The Journey

Chapter 2

Firestar looked back and forth at Jayfeather and Lionblaze.

"So… you're telling me that after receiving a dream from StarClan where Bluestar, Yellowfang, Spottedleaf, Lionheart, Whitestorm and Oakheart were having a party, and Bluestar and Yellowfang were making out, and Oakheart was drunkly dancing to 'It's Raining Men' by The Weather Girls and making out with Lionheart, you concluded that you should visit SkyClan?" Firestar asked, annoyed a bit.

"Yes, what if it means something important, like, that Oakheart is gay!" Jayfeather exclaimed. "I also got a prophecy from your fat mommy: _Lion will touch friend, then touch friend and enemy."_

"Fair enough!" Firestar exclaimed. "Cool, I wonder what Leafstar will be like…" Lionblaze wondered aloud, and the two brothers padded out of the den, and saw Hollyleaf had a wooden post in the ground, with a rope tied around Rosepetal's neck.

"Hollyleaf! What are you doing?" Lionblaze asked, concerned, and Hollyleaf had a blazing look in her eyes.

"ACCORDING TO BOOK 2, APPENDIX G, SECTION 11, SUBSECTION 28, PARAGRAPH 58, SUBPARAGRAPH 4, LINE 6… GOING TO THE DIRTPLACE IS AGAINST THE WARRIOR CODE! SHE MUST BE HANGED!" She yowled angrily, and Rosepetal struggled was swinging around in the air, choking, as the rope was tied around her neck.

None of the cats seemed to notice that their clanmate was being hanged for going piss.

"What the Dark Forest? That's not even against the code!" Jayfeather exclaimed, as Berrynose ran into the clearing.

"Don't worry! The brave, strong, and handsome Berrynose will save the day, sister!" Berrynose foolishly tried to claw the rope, and his mom, Daisy, was in the background, cheering in her cheerleading costume.

Dovewing approached the gathering cats, and meowed to Jayfeather- "I should probably cast my senses, to make sure we aren't about to be invaded by a pack of obese kittypets!" And she cast them. "EEEEWWW! BLACKSTAR IS WATCHING 'JERSEY SHORE' IN HIS DEN! EWW! LOOK WHAT HE DOES WHEN SNOOKI COMES ON THE SCREEN!" Dovewing meowed, shocked.

Eventually, Berrynose's leg fell off as he desperately struggled to cut off the rope. "Haha! Berrystumpyleg!" Cherrypaw couldn't help but laugh.

Hollyleaf laughed as Berrynose failed. "I gotta go to the Dirtplace!" Surprisingly, Rosepetal was still alive, as she coughed up blood and furballs and was choked at the sametime.

Lionblaze sighed, and signaled to Foxleap, and Foxleap began to speak. " In a world where nothing is safe… There is one hope. Super Blaze, the lion cat! With strength and looks, enough to please the ladies!"

"OH LIONBLAZE, FATHER MY KITS!" Cinderheart, Icecloud, and Blossomfall gleefully exclaimed.

"With strength and looks, enough to impress the senior warriors!" Foxleap continued.

"Man, he is such an amazingly handsome, strong and powerful cat!" Graystripe and Thornclaw meowed in unison.

"Yes, it's Super Blaze, the lion cat, with his strength and looks, here to save the day once more!" Foxleap finished in a deep movie voice.

Lionblaze ran to the rope, and severed it with one swipe of his claw. Rosepetal was hardly alive, and every cat went back to their normal activities, and Jayfeather groaned. "Great! Just what I need. To have to heal a nearly-hanged cat, and one who just lost his leg. I hate my life!" He yowled, and walked into his den, seeing Briarlight drag herself across the floor.

"Get your stupid ass up, Briarlight!" Jayfeather ordered.

Ivypool padded across the clearing. "Ugh, I hate my life, Tigerstar is making us fight obese kittypets in the Dark Forest! They're so hard to beat! One of them, even threw kitty litter at me!" She whined, as her eye secreted a tear.

"OMS! That sounds terrible!" Dovewing meowed, and Jayfeather came up to her. "Me, you, Lionblaze and Hollyleaf are going on a journey to SkyClan." He meowed. Dovewing gasped. "Yay!" Ivypool looked cross. "What the Dark Forest, Why can't I go? I didn't get to go see the Tribe, either!" She complained.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A SPECIAL STARCLAN CAT, BEOTCH!" Jayfeather yowled, and the four cats set our on their journey. Ivypool was sad, but the grinned. There would be no one to force meds upon her. This would be fun…

**Note: Thanks for reading this chapter! I hope you got a laugh or two out of it. What do you think Ivypool will do? Review, and I'll update super soon!**


	3. Chapter 3: Chuck Norris

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't Warriors or any of the brands mentioned.

The quartet of cats padded along silently, and this very much did bore Hollyleaf. "Party rock is in the house tonight, everybody just have a good time…" She sang.

"And we gon' make you loose your mind, we just wanna see ya…." Lionblaze continued.

"Shake that!" Dovewing added, shaking her butt around.

Jayfeather sighed. "Shut up, motherf-ers."

Eventually, the foursome reached McDonald's.

"OMS, Jayfeather, could we PLLLLEEEAAASSEE stop? I could eat a badger!" Dovewing begged.

"OMS, I agree!" Lionblaze piped in, and Jayfeather sighed. "Fine, we can stop at McDonald's!"

After they all filled up on Big Macs, they continued on their journey.

Back the clan territories…

The gathering had begun, and the cats from all clans were gathered. Onestar began meowing- "All is well in WindClan, and prey is running fine."

"Yeah, and birds can fly!" Ivypool called out, and then giggled.

"No dip, stupid ThunderClan beotch! Go to Dark Forest!" Ashfoot, the WindClan deputy, replied angrily.

Ivypool was fuelled by anger now. "Oh yeah? Why don't you go screw Crowfeather's ass! I bet he'd like it!" She yowled.

"Ashfoot's my mom!" Crowfeather meowed, pausing as he buried Nightcloud's body.

"Exactly!" Ivypool retaliated.

"Everyone, Mousefur has been butt raped-" Squirrelflight began.

However, Ivypool interrupted. "No one asked you, dumb mousebrain!"

"1s, I wint 2 wallmrt ann I bawt sum Dorruh da Iksplora PJs ann day wur ssssoooo ko-z!" Purdy began. "I kech Dorruh on Netfliks al da tim !"

"OMS, Purdy, me too! I have the same PJs!" Tawnypelt exclaimed happily.

"Tawnypelt, why don't you shut your hole! You're not even tawny! You are lying to us all! And Purdy, I have no idea what the Dark Forest you're even saying." Ivypool snapped.

"Ivypool, tone it down-" Whitewing, her mother, attempted to reason.

"Whitewing, you are not my mother! Birchfall had an affair with Lady Gaga! I know it!" Ivypool yowled, and everyone gasped. Birchfall and Whitewing turned beet red.

Boulderpaw, a WindClan apprentice, spoke up. "Maybe that's why you're such a freak of nature!"

"Says the WindClan cat!" Ivypool replied angrily. Finally, Reedwhisker, deputy of RiverClan, knocked out Ivypool from behind, and everyone cheered, and she was forgiven for almost starting an interclan war. Someone neglected to administer her meds.

The journey…

Jayfeather was in a crappy mood, as always, so he kicked down Dovewing. "Get up, stupid retard!"

"Jayfeather, just because you're on your period, doesn't mean you have to take it out on Dovewing!" Hollyleaf scolded.

"I'm blind! I'm different! I hate my life! I hate it! I'm blind! I feel sorry for myself! Don't say a word about my blindness, or I'll beotch slap you! I hate my life!" Jayfeather whinily ranted, about to sob.

Lionblaze groaned. "Guys, shut up, I'm missing 'Desperate Housecats.' Don't make me even more mad!"

"Hey, look! A bunch of little kits!" Dovewing happily exclaimed, and a bunch of kits were dancing around.

Then, they started square dancing, dancing on poles, and moving their pelvic areas forward towards each other.

"Whoa, Dirty Dancing, a bit graphic, eh?" Lionblaze meowed, and the travelers traveled on.

"OMS, a snake!" Hollyleaf exclaimed, as a garter snake slithered in the grass.

Jayfeather screamed like a she-kit. "AAAAHHH! WHERE IS IT? HELP MEEE!" He screamed, and jumped on top of Hollyleaf, and she was tackled to the ground.

"Heh heh, Sorry." Jayfeather apologized.

"Darn, where's Foxleap when you need him?" Lionblaze muttered, wanting to go all Super Blaze on the snake.

Dovewing suddenly noticed a man in view. As they got closer, they all gasped.

"CHUCK NORRIS!" They all simultaneously yowled, and sure enough, in the flesh, Chuck Norris stood before him.

**Note: Thanks for reading this chapter! Let's see what happens with Chuck Norris! Will update soon!**


	4. Chapter 4: Breezepelt Dies

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors, or any brands mentioned in the story.

Ivypool sat in the medicine den. Brightheart was filling in for Jayfeather, as he was on his journey.

"Alright, Ivypool, time to take your meds!" Brightheart exclaimed a bit too gleefully.

"Dark Forest no!" Ivypool detested. She would not take those meds. It took four warriors to push her into the medicine den alone.

"You must, Ivypool! Open up!" Brightheart still sounded overcherrful.

Ivypool growled. "Brightheart, shut up, or else I'll claw out your remaining eye." She padded out of the den freely, and saw Foxleap.

"Oh, hey, Foxleap, I think you're a sexy beast." Ivypool meowed, and Foxleap gasped. Personally, he wanted Dovewing, but that had a 0% chance of happening, because he was irritable and annoying.

"Ivypool, Great! Wanna go have sex in a random bush?" Foxleap offered, and the two mates ran into the forest.

Back on the quest…

Hollyleaf gasped. "Your Royal Majesty!" She meowed, bowing in respect. Chuck Norris said nothing, not moving. "Do you have any punishment ideas for Warrior Code breakers?"

"Sir Norris! Do you know any herbal remedies I don't know?" Jayfeather meowed, on his knees.

"Do you know any ways I could keep a cat not on their meds under control?" Dovewing asked, really desperate for an answer. Ivypool was impossible to keep a lid on, when off her meds.

Lionblaze, however, felt no respect. Since he falsely thought he was a kick ass sexy ninja because of the prophecy, he thought he could take on Chuck Norris.

Lionblaze jumped on Chuck Norris, and he fell. "OMS! It's a cardboard cutout!" Dovewing realized, and Lionblaze let out a pff of annoyance.

"Who has done this?" Jayfeather moaned, bawling.

"It is I!" A cat, while snickering, proclaimed. Breezepelt emerged from the pine trees.

Hollyleaf's eyes turned into balls of fire. "BREEZEPELT! ACCORDING TO BOOK 8, APPENDIX C, SECTION 4, SUBSECTION 91, PARAGRAPH 33, SUBPARAGRAPH 2, LINE 10 OF THE WARRIOR CODE… TRICKING CATS WITH CARDBOARD CUTOUTS OF CHUCK NORRIS IS AGAINST THE CODE! GO TO DARK FOREST, YOU DAMN LIAR! KILL HIM!" She yowled louder than ever before, even louder than when she discovered Rosepetal using the Dirtplace.

"Yeah, good lu-" Breezepelt began, but Dovewing tackled him in the stomach. "OUCH! MOMMY NIGHTCLOUD!" He exclaimed.

"Haha, lol, I conspired with your father to kill Nightcloud." Jayfeather meowed cruelly. "She's dead!'

"DIE DIE DIE, WORTHLESS PILE OF FOX DUNG! I CAME SO CLOSE TO MY SPECIAL MOMENT OF FINDING A METHOD OF ENFORCING MEDS UPON IVYPOOL! BUT YOU RUINED IT!" Dovewing hissed, aiming for Breezepelt's murder.

Lionblaze was cutting through a tree that would crush Breezepelt at moderate speed, while Hollyleaf directly aided Dovewing by jumping on Breezepelt, covering his eyes, and scratching at his scalp.

Jayfeather was meanly jeering at Breezepelt, letting out all his accumulated anger on him.

Breezepelt was defenseless, scrabbling around, crimson blood flowing from his body. "LOOK OUT BELOW!" Lionblaze yowled as he stood on the tree that crushed Breezepelt.

"Great work, guys!" Jayfeather complimented, and Dovewing raced ahead, and almost fell as the earth caved in. She gasped. "A gorge! I think we've arrived at SkyClan!"

The other three rushed through the foliage, hearing her. "Wow…" Hollyleaf murmured, amazed by the beautiful depth of the gorge.

Leafstar, having heard Dovewing from the trees, stepped out, revealing herself. "I am Leafstar, leader of SkyClan. Who are you?" She demanded in a powerful voice.

"We found you! We are a patrol from ThunderClan." Jayfeather greeted.

Lionblaze stared at Leafstar, drooling. _Damn, she's smokin' hot!_ He thought.

Hollyleaf heard a loud echo come from the bottom of the gorge. "Wow, their voices echo!"

Leafstar faced Hollyleaf. "Actually, no. Our medicine cat, Echosong, was cursed with an echoing voice since birth."

"So, Sharpclaw, wanna take this party to the oak tree, big boy?" A she-cat voice echoed from the bottom of the gorge, and Dovewing's eyes widened. "Aren't medicine cats not supposed to have mates?" She wondered aloud, thinking SkyClan might allow it.

Leafstar's eyes were super wide. "No, they are not supposed to have mates." She meowed, clenching her teeth, and faced Jayfeather. "OMS, I can't believe it! ThunderClan has returned! How are Firestar and Sandstorm?"

"Fine. Sandstorm likes baking up some sugary treats for him. They had kits, Leafpool and Squirrelflight. Leafpool is my mother. Both are huge beotches." Jayfeather replied ruefully.

"That's wonderful! I'm sorry they are beotches. What brings you here?" Leafstar asked, curiously. ThunderClan was back!

"Well… I had a dream, where several of our warrior ancestors were… partying, and making out with each other. And we got a prophecy." Jayfeather explained.

"What did it have to do with my clan?" Leafstar continued, a bit puzzled.

Lionblaze was having fantasies. _Oh… I just wanna touch her all over, French her, and bang her good…_ He thought of Leafstar, her russet fur being ruffled by the wind in slow-motion.

Hollyleaf swooped in before Jayfeather replied. "You know… I have no idea! Guys, let's turn around and go home."

Jayfeather agreed. "Yeah, why are we here?" He wondered, and then realized Hollyleaf answered for him.

"Hollyleaf, I hate you, stupid dummy! Go to Dark Forest!" Jayfeather harshly yowled, and kicked her.

"Whoa!" Hollyleaf exclaimed, and lost her footing, rolling down the edge of the cliff. Once she was retrieved, miraculously, she was unscathed. "Oh, I'm fine!" She insisted, and the quartet set off from their useless journey.

"That was fun." Dovewing optimistically remarked.

"Leafstar… is… sexyyyyy…." Lionblaze groaned, his fantasies pretty intense.

The four eventually reached the Clan territories, without difficulty, crossing onto ThunderClan territory.

"I'm in here randomly!" A random cat mewed, away from the four cats, and in a random meadow.

**Note: Thanks for reading this chapter! I hoped you enjoyed it! Review, and a new chapter will be up tomorrow!**


	5. Chapter 5: A Sexy Revelation

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors or any of the brands mentioned in this story.

Jayfeather, Lionblaze, Dovewing, and Hollyleaf padded into camp, and everyone cheered.

Lionblaze stood on a rock, and announced. "We found from the expedition that… Leafstar is a sexy hottie!" He yowled.

Everyone cheered. "Whoop!"

Firestar bit into one of Poppyfrost's sugary treats. "What the Dark Forest, this tastes like sh*t!" He exclaimed, and Poppyfrost yowled in sadness. Firestar preferred his mate Sandstorm's sugary treats.

Jayfeather suddenly got struck with a vision from StarClan.

A blue jay flew up to a lovely mourning dove, and they began to mate. "AWW!" Jayfeather meowed in it, but then interpreted it. "I have to mate with Dovewing? But she's an ugly beotch! And I'm a medicine cat!" "You must…. In order for the prophecy to become true…" Honeyfern murmured in his ear, in a seductive voice.

Hollyleaf was angry. She peeked at Brambleclaw as he slept. Molepaw had told her that Brambleclaw did something terrible in her absence.

He used the Dirtplace, which was against the code! Hollyleaf would burn him to death, in his sleep.

Dovewing searched out Ivypool, hoping she was alive. She found her shaved of her fur, and double fatter. "Ivypool, what the f happened?" She was in utter shock.

"I gav hur a ferkut! Lik it?" Purdy exclaimed, all his teeth missing, as usual.

"No, I don't, you skank-ass hillbilly cat!" Dovewing hissed, and Purdy went to go get a lap dance from Mousefur as he cried.

"Hey, Purdy did a fine job!" Ivypool defended the elder, as some blood welled from a wound on her bald skin caused by the furcut.

"Yeah, and birds can fly!" Dovewing retaliated. "Have you been taking extra prey, too?"

"Oh, no, I'm preggers with Foxleap's kits!" Ivypool joyfully exclaimed. "Aren't you happy for me?"

"That's great! Unexpected, but great!" Dovewing purred, truly happy that her sister picked up a tom and was pregnant.

Lionblaze went behind the warrior den to meet Cinderheart. "Oh, hey, Lionblaze! FYI, I'm breaking up with you. I like Mousewhisker now!" Cinderheart happily exclaimed, and Mousewhisker emerged from the shadows, and the two warriors intensely made out. Lionblaze hissed. "Filthy little whore!" He yowled, and padded into the normal camp, his tail trailing in the dust.

"Baby you're a Firework, come on show 'em what you're worth, make 'em go UH, UH UH, as you shoot across the SKY-SKY-SKY!" Toadstep, the gay tom of ThunderClan, sang as Lionblaze passed by, observing that he needed some empowerment.

Lionblaze smiled, feeling lift up, and started marching around camp, singing with Toadstep. "We're walking on sunshine, ohohoh, we're walking on sunshine, ohohoh, and were trying ta feel good!" They sang gayly in unison.

After singing, Toadstep and Lionblaze made out in a random bush.

Millie carried around signs that said 'TIGERSTAR ROCKS; REINCARNATE HIM!'

"He was an evil killer! How dare you flash those signs!" Cloudtail remarked.

Millie let out a 'pff.' "So what, he killed maybe ten or fifteen cats and almost wiped out the clans, so what, who cares?" She disregarded everyone's outrage at her pro-Tigerstar propaganda.

Hollyleaf threw the burning match at Brambleclaw's nest, and he set on fire. "IIIIEEEEE!" The deputy yowled. Sorreltail noticed this as she passed by the den. "BRAMBLECLAW'S ON FIRE! CALL IN THE THUNDERCLAN FIRE SQUAD!" She yowled at the top of her lungs.

"The ThunderClan Fire Squad… Here to save the day!" Graystripe meowed in a deep voice, as him, Brackenfur, Spiderleg, Bumblestripe, Hazeltail, and Icecloud all assembled. All five carried the hose. "SPRAY!" Spiderleg shouted, and the hose sprayed down Brambleclaw.

Brambleclaw was transported to the medicine den for 3-degree-burns. Jayfeather groaned. "Dammit, I have to screw Dovewing, and now heal Brambleclaw's nasty burns! My life SUCKS! I hate everyone! Go to Dark Forest!" He irritably started to heal Brambleclaw, thinking of a way to screw Dovewing, because of the dream he received from StarClan.

Hollyleaf went on a hunting patrol with Dustpelt, Thornclaw, and Blossomfall. "Brambleclaw survived… Darn." She muttered, and noticed a mouse right at her paws. She tried to claw it, but the mouse evaded attack. "Fox dung!"

"Dude, that looks like the easiest catch every, lame beotch!" Blossomfall laughed, and picked up the mouse, killing it.

"Blossomfall, watch your language, beotch!" Thornclaw yowled, and Dustpelt nodded in agreement.

Dovewing chewed on an empty can of Root Beer by the nettle patch quickly, and with her stomach full, she decided to cast her senses. She gasped. A pack of obese kittypets werr only fifty yards from the camp, heading for it to attack! "Oh no!" She meowed.

**A cliffhanger! What was the funniest joke? Please review, and come back for the next chapter!**


	6. Chapter 6: Walmart

Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors or any of the brands mentioned in this story.

Dovewing looked around. Obese kittypets were coming!

A bunch of fat kittypets burst through the entrance. Every cat screamed their heads off.

"Give us your kibble!" One kittypet exclaimed. Keyboard Cat suddenly came out of no where and started playing. The kittypets danced.

"Go suck waffles!" Cherrypaw yowled, and the kits all giggled.

Jayfeather was receiving a vision from StarClan, meanwhile. Bluestar padded through the fog. "I'm blue, aba de baba die, ana be daba die, ana be daba die..." Music played, and she dismissed the song. "Young Jayfeather… My name is Bluestar…" She murmured.

"What the Dark Forest, stupid ass beotch, I already knew that!" Jayfeather hissed, irritated.

Bluestar reached over to whisper something in his ear. "Mooo…." She meowed, and disappeared.

Jayfeather gasped, and felt afraid. "No! Tell me more!" He broke down in tears. What did her ominous 'Moo' mean?

Meanwhile, Lionblaze was enjoying himself in bush, and walked out with Toadstep.

"That sure was a tasty banana, Lionblaze! I'll come around for some more bananas everyday!" Toadstep meowed in his gay voice.

"Well, there's no shortage of bananas there!" Lionblaze replied happily, licking his boyfriend's tongue.

In the showdown with the fat kittypets, the clan cats and kittypets fired jeers at each other.

"Fat asses!" Cloudtail harshly yowled.

"Shun the non-believer!" The head kittypet hissed, referencing Cloudtail's disbelief in StarClan.

"Oh, it's on, someone, grab my fake nails! THIS IS SPARTA!" Cloudtail proclaimed.

"Oh, it's on, someone grab my collar!" The head kittypet meowed, and Cloudtail laid a paw on the kittypet's shoulder.

"AHHAHAHAHAHA!" All the obese kittypets yowled, and all ran home to their Twolegs.

The bald Ivypool cheered jubilantly. "WE WON!" She blasted 'Celebration' by Kool and the Gang.

"CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!" The radio sang.

Hollyleaf danced, doing the Macarena and Robot combined. Firestar stepped out of his den, the sun shining on his pelt.

Jayfeather, though blind, went from his den, shuffling, and ran into a rock.

Dovewing even stopped watching 'Extreme Couponing' with Brightheart to dance.

The music soon stopped, and Firestar made an announcement. "Okay, I have an announcement to make… A select few are going to Wal-mart on a field trip!" He announced.

Everyone cheered.

"Despite her baldness and pregnancy, Ivypool is going. So is Lionblaze, Hollyleaf, Dovewing, Cinderheart, Mousewhisker, Sandstorm, Brackenfur, Purdy, Leafpool, Squirrelflight, and I.' Firestar continued.

"Why can't I go, asshole?" Hazeltail yowled, and Firestar ignored her insult.

"Haha, in YOUR face.' Hollyleaf meowed, laughing. Hazeltail stared at Hollyleaf angrily.

SEVEN HOURS LATER…

"We've arrived at Wal-mart!" Lionblaze gladly announced. "No dip, I think we know that, retard!" Ivypool hissed.

"Why does it matter, there's nothing to be happy about! Life is a gaping hole of black blackness!" Leafpool moaned, breaking into tears. She was a depressed train wreck ever sincethe clan found about Jayfeather, Lionblaze and Hollyleaf's true heritage. And she couldn't hunt or fight to save her own life.

Mousewhisker & Cinderheart headed towards the condom section. "Ooh, should we get the intensifying kind?" Cinderheart suggested. "What about ultra protection + intensifying, so we don't have bratty kits running around! Or AIDS!" Mousewhisker meowed, and the pair settled on ultra protection + intensifying. Lionblaze jealously peeked at the two. Cinderheart was his! Mousewhisker had to die. Lionblaze did have Toadstep, but Lionblaze was truly bi. He wanted Cinderheart and Toadstep!

Hollyleaf was in the book section, looking at 'Useful Positions to Hang Cats In.' "Hmm, this could be useful!" She mused, and saw a book titled 'Warriors: Into the Wild.' "Pff, that looks retarded! But, I'll but it anyway!" Hollyleaf decided, placing it in her basket with the hanging book.

Purdy was in the cosmetic section, gazing at 'Teeth Kaboom!' "Hlps u gro teeth! I ned thez!" Purdy toothlessly said aloud. '2% chance of working.' It was inscripted on the back. "Gud enuf 4 mee!"

"Valentine's Day is coming up!" Dovewing exclaimed to Ivypool, and the two looked at Valentine's stuff. "I'm gonna get chocolates and a card for Bumblestripe. Wouldn't that be nice?" Dovewing meowed.

"Lol, do whatever you want, I'm giving Foxleap super fun sex on Valentine's Day!" Ivypool meowed, and Dovewing rolled her eyes. Her bald and pregnant sister had no sentimental feelings!

Squirrelflight shopped in the liquor section with Sandstorm, her mother. "Alright, four bottles of vodka, three cases of Budweiser, six bottles of wine, Fruity Red Sangria, to be exact, and eight bottles of champagne. That's it!" Sandstorm listed off what she needed, and Squirrelflight put it all in the cart. "Oh, your having a party?" A nice lady said, and Sandstorm shook her head. "Of course not! This is all for me! I'm actually cutting my alcohol intake, so this is little!" She insisted, and the lady ran away in fear. Right after the liquor was purchased, Sandstorm popped open a bottle of vodka and drank it straight.

Firestar was away from his family, in the cheese section with his other daughter, Leafpool, while she whined about how terrible the world was. "Now… Should I buy normal Kraft Singles, or Kraft Singles Light?" Firestar wondered aloud, bamboozled with wonder.

**Gasp! Firestar can't pick his cheese! Cliffhanger! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please review, sign up for alerts, and read future chapters! -lugirox**


	7. Chapter 7: Kraft Singles Light

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors or any brands mentioned in this story.

"I must ultimately decide on… Singles Light! While the taste is degraded, me and Sandstorm do need to diet." Firestar decided on the Singles Light.

Lionblaze went to the kitchen knife section. He had to murder Mousewhisker. That bastard couldn't have Cinderheart. "Hey, Lionblaze, you stupid hole!" He heard Heathertail, a sexy WindClan warrior whom he also was madly in love with.

Brackenfur shopped in the girls section of clothes, looking at shirts. "Hmm, I'll buy this 'Peace, Love, Fresh-kill' shirt for Seedkit, and this Snoopy shirt for Lilykit…"

MEANWHILE…

Back at camp, Jayfeather was organizing herbs. He was feeling watched, however. "Dude, if anyone is watching me, feel free to come out, you know?" Jayfeather meowed, and a black cat slinked out of the shadows.

His fur was tattered and torn, he had been recently wounded. "Breezepelt!" Jayfeather exclaimed. "Get out of here!" 

"Oh, Jayfeather… Yes, I survived. From the journey. I sent the pack of kittypets, and now, I'm gonna…. ACHOOO!" Breezepelt badly sneezed. "StarClan bless you!" Jayfeather kindly meowed, despite Breezepelt being about to kill him.

In the camp, cats were doing karaoke. Daisy danced around in a lewd manner. "This is for all you hot boys…" Daisy meowed, and Spiderleg was jealous that his former mate wasn't stunned by his awesomeness and able to find another guy.

Thornclaw sat down in front of Daisy, and she stripped for him, doing hot dances, singing 'Mr. Saxobeat.'

Berrystumpyleg was even enjoying it, and Daisy was his mother.

Suddenly, Ferncloud's seventeen kits raced out of the nursery. "We are calling for a rebellion!" They yowled in their squeaky little voices.

Brambleclaw gasped. "We would lose our primary kit income!"

"Well, we are starting the Tribe of Epic Awesomeness!" The tiny kits proclaimed, and had black stripes drawn on their faces. "We want names! And independence!"

"Aren't my kits so damn cute? It makes me wanna bang Ferncloud and make more right now! Actually, I think that's what I'll do right now…" Dustpelt meowed to Whitewing, and slipped into the nursery where Ferncloud was sleeping.

Berrystumpyleg, with his three legs, walked through the camp.

"When I walk in the spot, this is what I see. Everybody stops and is staring at me. I got a passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it… I'm Sexy and I Know it, Know it, Know it!" Icecloud sang. She was hired to do it by Berrystumpyleg whenever he walked along.

"I-I-I I work out!" Briarlight added from the medicine den, free of charge.

"Hey, Molepaw, my wonderful son!" Berrystumpyleg exclaimed to Molepaw, and Molepaw was ashamed of his father, and pretended he had no idea who he was.

Brightheart, Millie, Birchfall and Foxleap patrolled by the ShadowClan border. They ecountered a ShadowClan patrol, that had Rowanclaw, Crowfrost, Tigerheart and Dawnpelt on it.

'We're really depressing and dark and evil and you should be afraid of us…" Rowanclaw meowed in an ominous voice.

"Yeah! I'm a stupid beotch!" Dawnpelt chimed in.

"I harbor a grudge against you because your stupid warrior Dovewing is stupid because she won't break the f**king warrior code to be with me!" Tigerheart hissed.

"Let's start a battle for no apparent reason!" Crowfrost added.

"You want a piece of my sexy ass! Come at me!" Foxleap meowed. "I am gonna bring you down!"

Both patrols laughed really hard. Foxleap was mouse-brained if he thought he could take on anyone.

Dovewing checked out her card for Bumblestripe at Walmart. It said- 'I'd give you all my extra fresh-kill, Valentine!' With a cat winking cutely.

"Isn't this a sweet card, Ivypool?" Dovewing asked sweetly. "NO!" Ivypool yowled, smacking Dovewing in the face.

Dovewing got pissed. "Dumb pile of fox dung!" She shouted, and jumped on top of Ivypool, mercilessly clawing at her sister.

"Giz! Vilens iz nat tha ansur!" Purdy toothlessly exclaimed, and Dovewing raked his claws across his eye, and he screamed, running to Mousefur in camp so she could make him feel better with sexual favors.

"It's okay, sexy hottie…" Mousefur soothed Purdy as she licked his tongue… and then took it further by CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED BY THE CENSORING ASSOCIATION OF THUNDERCLAN!

The whole clan was home soon, "Alright, I need to go get drunk somewhere…" Sandstorm mused, bringing all her liquor to the empty twoleg nest to drink with Sorreltail.

Breezepelt fled when he heard Mousefur passing by the den to fetch some sex toys for her and Purdy from the Dirtplace.

"Oh, that scary old elder! This isn't over, Jayfeather!" Breezepelt hissed, and went away all Spiderman style back to WindClan camp.

Hollyleaf read 'Into the Wild' behind the warriors den. "Damn! I'm glad I don't know Dustpaw and Sandpaw! They seem like real assholes!" She murmured, and heard Jayfeather's meeting wail.

"ARAAAHHHOOO!" Jayfeather called. Only him, Lionblaze, Dovewing and Hollyleaf could decipher what it meant. The other cats thought it was Jayfeather experiencing his menstrual cramps.

Ivypool was talking to Foxleap with her bald fur and pregnant belly. "I love you Foxy Woxy!" She cooed. "I wuv you too, Ivy Pooly!" Foxleap replied, and Ivypool angrily looked at him. "Ivy Pooly?" She muttered, and went to go gossip about Lionblaze's abs with her mother, Whitewing.

Ivypool thought about her Dark Forest lessons. They were still fighting obese kittypets. It was hard. Hawkfrost seemed to be attracted to her, now that she was pregnant and bald.

After chatting with Whitewing, Ivypool fell asleep and awoke in the dim Dark Forest. She was scared. Hopefully, the kittypets would lay off for once. (Dark Forest lesson TBC in Chapter 8)

"Why the meeting call?" Dovewing curiously asked Jayfeather. "Breezepelt is still alive!" Jayfeather announced. "I thought we killed that bastard!" Lionblaze exclaimed. He was still thinking about his hot sex with Heathertail in the Walmart restrooms earlier.

"I'm reading this good book, with an odd concept, about a kittypet named Firepaw who joins something called ThunderClan, and the cats are weird. I don't get it. But it's good!" Hollyleaf remarked.

"Oh, you're reading that? I was thinking of picking that up myself." Dovewing meowed.

Lionblaze opened his mouth to meow something, but was cut off by Jayfeather. "Guys! Breezepelt has sworn revenge on us! What if he like, gets squirrels to attack or something! Oh yeah, and for the prophecy, Dovewing, I have to have sex with you." Jayfeather said.

"Okay! I'll do it, for the prophecy." Dovewing replied, strangely happy about the task.

"Lucky! You get to screw Jayfeather!" Lionblaze couldn't help but envy.

The other three stared at him like he had bees in his brain, and the four went about their daily duties.

**Note: I hope you liked this chapter, and I hope it gave you a good laugh! Please review and subscribe for alerts! - lugirox**


	8. Chapter 8: Super Blaze Returns

Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors or any of the brands mentioned in this story.

Jayfeather checked his mailbox in the mailbox section of camp. He had two pieces of mail. One was an invitation to be a member at the local strip club. "Ooh! 30% off! I'll be sure to use that." Jayfeather exclaimed, saving the strip club letter.

He looked at the next one, and instantly knew what it was. He begrudgingly opened the pink envelope, and there was a heart-shaped invite to the ThunderClan Sweetheart Dance.

'Go with your Valentine, drink punch, dance, play games, listen to music and more at the ThunderClan Sweetheart Dance! Held in the Elder's Den on Valentine's Day! 7:00 PM. Ask Poppyfrost if you have any questions!'

"Yeah, awesome party, they'll last all the way until 7:15, when Purdy and Mousefur will want to have sex and fall asleep doing it." Jayfeather grouchily meowed, and discarded the invitation. Why did Poppyfrost do those stupid Valentine's parties every year? "I HATE MY LIFE!"

"OMS! Spottedleaf is dead! Did Yellowfang take Frostfur's kits?" Hollyleaf gasped aloud, absorbed into the novel 'Into the Wild.' Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Spiderleg digging a hole.

Hollyleaf rapidly dropped her book and stood beside Spiderleg. "Why did you just dig a hole? According to Book 14, Appendix K, Section 6, Subsection 12, PARAGRAPH 63, SUBPARAGRAPH 10, LINE 45…. DIGGING HOLES IS AGAINST THE WARRIOR CODE! IT'S A HIGH OFFENSE!" She went from calm meowing to yowling.

"Sorry, mean ass beotch, I just wanted to bury atime capsule! I thought it would be cool!" Spiderleg defended himself fiercely, and went off to hunt with no one because he deserved no one.

Ivypool trained with the other cats. She pretended to be fighting them, flailing her paws and tail through the air aimlessly. "OUUUUCHH!" She hissed, even though nothing at all had even touched her.

Hawkfrost wanted Ivypool, staring at her lustfully. She was pregnant and bald, now even hotter. But, NOOOO, she HAD to be faithful to Foxleap. Stupid beotch. Then… it occurred to Hawkfrost that he should rape her!

Lionblaze lovingly made out with his boyfriend, Toadstep, and padded out of the bush. Lionblaze then flexed his muscles for Blossomfall. Indeed, Lionblaze was bi, beyond every shadow of doubt.

Hollyleaf, in her anger at Spiderleg's crime, pushed him into the hole he dug. "Hollyleaf, why'd you do that, f**king beotch!" Spiderleg yowled, wanting to claw her pelt. Hollyleaf padded away. He needed to serve the time for her crime.

Lionblaze saw Spiderleg, and sighed. He signaled to Foxleap, as always. " In a world where nothing is safe… There is one hope. Super Blaze, the lion cat! With strength and looks, enough to please the ladies!" Foxleap meowed in his movie-announcer voice.

"OH LIONBLAZE, FATHER MY KITS!" Icecloud, Rosepetal, Hazeltail, and Blossomfall gleefully exclaimed, being paid.

"With strength and looks, enough to impress the senior warriors!" Foxleap continued.

"Man, he is such an amazingly handsome, strong and powerful cat!" Cloudtail and Brackenfur added in, having been paid to do so.

"Yes, it's Super Blaze, the lion cat, with his strength and looks, here to save the day once more!" Foxleap finished in a deep movie voice.

Lionblaze jumped into the hole, and with his prophecy strength, he pulled out Spiderleg. "StarClan, I have to do EVERYTHING…" He meowed. As always, he was being a cocky asshole.

Jayfeather and Dovewing were in the medicine den, having intense sex, because they had to, for the prophecy. "Oh, even though you're a virgin, because you're a medicine cat, you're so GOOOOODDD!" Dovewing couldn't help but moan.

Jayfeather's face awkwardly twisted. "Yep, that's right, I WAS a virgin before this…" He lied in his best possible manner.

They shook around violently, until Bumblestripe walked into the den, catching the pair. "Hey, Jayfeather, I have sem- AHHH!" He yowled, and Dovewing looked at him nervously. "It's not what you think!" She said. Bumblestripe looked crestfallen. "A medicine cat is having sex, for one? For two, with the she-cat who was dropping SO many hints that she liked me! And the feeling was mutual! I need to go have mindless sex with Rosepetal to make myself feel better now!" Bumblestripe sobbed as he ran away.

"Bumblestripe! No!" Dovewing called, and broke down into tears. "This damn prophecy is ruining my life!"

Jayfeather didn't care. "Haha, sucks for you, beotch! Thanks for the sexy sex, let's hope it makes the prophecy come true." He cruelly meowed, and went off to look into a bowl of water and get signs from StarClan somehow from that.

As Hawkfrost was about to rape Ivypool, Ivypool had pains. "I'm giving birth!" She exclaimed, and woke up in the real world, groaning in the warriors den. "GET THESE F**KING LITTLE PIECES OF S**T OUTTA ME!"

Dovewing looked for Bumblestripe all over, and found him by the lake. "So, how was it with Rosepetal?" She asked somberly.

"Fine. Extra hot. Fine." Bumblestripe meowed in reply.

"Bumblestripe… It was for this special thing StarClan told us to do." Dovewing couldn't tell him about the prophecy. "I still think you are very hot. I love you."

In the end, the two reconciled, started dating, and had sex in the lake. Both enjoyed it.

**Note: Thanks for reading! I wonder if Ivypool will successfully deliver? Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9: Fundraising

Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors or any of the brands mentioned in this story.

Firestar organized fundraising patrols. "Alright, Blossomfall, Cherrypaw and Molepaw. Go to the RiverClan camp to sell sugary treats." He was ecstatic. They were selling Sandstorm's sugary treats to raise funds for ThunderClan! They would probably use the money on new sex toys. Their old ones were getting worn out. Unfortunately, Sandstorm wasn't initially up for mass producing 4500 pounds of sugary treats to sell, but Firestar waited until she got drunk, and then she obeyed him.

"GET IT OUT! NOOOWWW!" Ivypool yowled, spraying the nearest hose at Hazeltail. "GGGEET JAYYFEATHER!"

Hazeltail had a blazing look in her eyes. "Stupid beotch!" She hissed, and refused to summon Jayfeather.

Meanwhile, Poppyfrost and Millie were garnishing the camp with Valentine decorations.

Leafpool saw these, and burst in to rage. "WHY CELEBRATE ANYTHING! LIFE IS A TERRIBLE FUMING PILE OF S**T!" She shouted, and shredded everything with her claws. "WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALLLLLL! ROLLLING IN THE DEEEEP!" She yowled sadly.

Toadstep approached Lionblaze. "Hey, Toadstep!" Lionblaze greeted affectionately. "Wanna go make the trees shake with our humping?"

"Lionblaze… I'm pregnant." Toadstep revealed.

Lionblaze gasped. "You're a dude!"

"Miraculous conception, I guess." Toadstep trailed off, and visions of horror played in Lionblaze's mind.

As Foxleap would be introducing Super Blaze, a bunch of bratty kits would be wanting to play with Lionblaze while he's trying to save Cinderheart from Hollyleaf's fury. Then, because of the dumb kits, Cinderheart wouldn't 'reward' him afterwards, because they' want to play.

"Toadstep, I'm breaking up with you! You suck bigtime for getting preggers!" Lionblaze yowled, and ran off. Going bi was a big mistake, he presumed.

Foxleap passed by, and saw Hazeltail harassing Ivypool with the fact that she wouldn't tell anyone about the birth. "Oh, Hazeltail, stupid beotch, you should have not messed with Foxleap's mate!" Foxleap exclaimed, and courageously jumped on top of Hazeltail, murdering her.

"Oh, so great, you killed someone for me!" Ivypool exclaimed, then reverted back to normal. "KKKIIIITTTSS!"

Foxleap summoned Jayfeather. "Oh my StarClan, stupid ass hooker! My life sucks badly! What the Dark Forest do you want?" Jayfeather moaned. Ivypool mouthed the words 'He's on his period' to Foxleap, and he nodded understandingly.

Hollyleaf was breathing heavily. "OMS! Who killed Redtail? Tigerclaw, or Oakheart? Is Ravenpaw telling the truth? THE SUSPENSE! OMS, Graypaw and Firepaw are not Graystripe and Fireheart. Good for them! Both of those names sound familiar…. I can't put my paw on it, though…" Hollyleaf remarked, and turned to the last page of 'Into the Wild.' "StarClan, dammit! Now I have to go out and buy the sequel, Fire and Ice! I want to know if Bluestar finds out the truth!"

Dovewing was patrolling by the ShadowClan border, and felt a sharp pain in her side, being tackled into a bush, by a mysterious dark tabby. She looked into Tigerheart's eyes, and they just started to make out, Dovewing hardly knowing what she was doing. Tigerheart stripped off Dovewing's bra, and they made love in the bush, despite Dovewing being in a relationship with Bumblestripe, & the fact that she despised Tigerheart, being his ex-girlfriend.

Ivypool delivered two kits: a tom and she-kit. "Let's name the tom… Foxkit, and the she-kit… Ivykit?" Ivypool suggested, think that they were very original names. Without hesitation, Foxleap agreed. "OMS! So original! How did you think of that? I love you, stupid beotch!" He exclaimed, and Ivypool sweetly smiled. "Aren't you just the sweetest little asshole?"

"StarClan, where can I purge myself?" Jayfeather groaned, and padded to his den, popping open a bottle of scotch and mead and tequila mixed. "Man, do I need this…" He murmured, and gulped it down in two sips.

Blossomfall broke her vagina while banging Purdy, so Hollyleaf replaced her on the patrol, with Molepaw, Cherrypaw.

"OMS, Kim Kardashian and Snooki were found kissing in a tanning salon!" Cherrypaw murmured to Molepaw, and they both giggled. They were playing Fake Headlines.

"Kim is pretty hot, but Snooki? Seriously? She's a fugly skank! Fake Headlines is a senseless game." Hollyleaf meowed aloud.

"No, we actually got it from a tabloid!" Molepaw explained, showing Hollyleaf a copy of the 'International Requirer.'

Hollyleaf saw something about Kate cheating on William with Lil' Wayne, and just looked away.

They reached RiverClan camp, and padded into Mistystar's den, no cat caring, because it's totally normal for an enemy clan walk into your leader's den.

"OMS! Mistystar is having a six-way with Willowshine, Lionblaze, and the Kardashian sisters!" Cherrypaw gasped falsely, snickering with Molepaw. "F you, dumb ass apprentices." Mistystar hissed, and kicked the two off her den, off the High Rock, and onto the damp ground.

The RiverClan freshly faced Hollyleaf. "Hey! What is it you came here for?" Mistystar asked.

"Wanna buy some very nommable sugary treats to support ThunderClan's purchases of sex toys?" Hollyleaf meowed, smiling.

"While I do agree with that valid cause, because sex toys have been proven to increase satisfaction, I'll have to decline. Mothwing makes her own delectable sugary treats." Mistystar politely refused.

"SAYING NO TO HOLLYLEAF IS, ACCORDING TO BOOK 3, APPENDIX H, SECTION 99, SUBSECTION 25, PARAGRAPH 234, SUBPARAGRAPH 16, LINE 40 IS **AGAINST THE CODE!"** Hollyleaf yowled, unsheathing her claws.

"That's not even against the co-" Mistystar's retort was cut off by Hollyleaf cutting open her skin.

Poppyfrost and Millie especially decorated the Elder's Den, because of the sweetheart dance.

Lionblaze didn't know who he would take to the sweetheart dance. He dumped the pregnant Toadstep, and he loved Cinderheart. He glared at her laughing with Mousewhisker. "You're cuter!" Mousewhisker insisted. "No, YOU'RE cuter!" Cinderheart cooed.

Lionblaze knew he could have any of the younger she-cats in the clan, because they were all into him being he was strong and sexy, or at least, in their minds. He decided to take Icecloud, and make Cinderheart jealous at the dance. She was probably the most obsessed with him, save for maybe Toadstep.

Lionblaze approached the white warrior. "Hey, Icecloud, wanna go to the da-" He began. "YES! I WILL BE YOUR DATE! PICK ME UP AT 6:55! SHARP!" Icecloud exclaimed, and danced around happily. Damn, was she obsessed.

Bumblestripe was prepared to ask Dovewing, not knowing she was mindlessly screwing Tigerheart in a bush at the moment. "I wonder where she is?"

Cloudtail and Brightheart chatted by the warriors den. "We may be old, but let's go to the Valentine's Sweetheart Dance together." Brightheart suggested, and the pair mutually agreed.

Birchfall and Whitewing also planned on going, along with a few other couples.

Jayfeather hated Valentine's Day, with all his heart.

**Note: I hope you liked this chapter, as the clan gears down for Valentine's Day! Read tomorrow's chapter, and see how dysfunctional ThunderClan's Valentine's and dance is! Review, please!**


	10. Chapter 10: Dysfunctional Valentine

Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors or any brands mentioned.

Dawn fell upon ThunderClan. Valentine's Day had begun.

"Herz sum in10sifieng jele, Mowsfer, 4 wen wee doo iht!" Purdy toothlessly exclaimed, handing the jelly to Mousefur. "Thank you, Purdy! Here's my jelly. It's actually banana jelly, I made it myself!" Mousefur replied, trying to be happy. Her dead partner, Longtail, gave much better gifts.

News had spread around camp that Lionblaze was taking Icecloud as his date to the sweetheart dance.

Blossomfall and Rosepetal whispered to each other. The man they loved was taking Icecloud!

Dovewing received from lovely roses from Bumblestripe. "Wow…' She felt bad about her sexual ecounter with Tigerheart. Bumblestripe was an amazing boyfriend.

AT 6:55…

Poppyfrost moved the dance into the whole camp. Because 1) Purdy peed on all the supplies in the elder's den and 2) the elder's den wasn't roomy enough.

Bumblestripe & Dovewing arrived first. Dovewing padded to the snack area to see Jayfeather, nomming on a cookie.

"Are you here with Briarlight?" Dovewing asked romantically.

Jayfeather rolled his eyes. "No, stupid dip thong! She can't walk! I came for the yummy punch, lol."

Birchfall and Whitewing, Dovewing & Ivypool's parents, appeared, and Dovewing was happy her parents were doing this together.

"Hey, Dovewing!" Birchfall called out friendlishly to Dovewing, and tripped and fell on a rock, and got up.

"Oh, me and this song go way back! Dance with me, Birchfall!" Whitewing exclaimed, as 'I Will Always Love You' by Whitney Houston played. (R.I.P!)

They slow danced.

"ALRIGHT, OUT OF MY WAY!" Cinderheart called, threw a rock at the stereo system, and the song switched to 'Super Bass' by Nicki Minaj.

"Alright!" Mousewhisker meowed, and did a weird hump dance with Cinderheart.

Hollyleaf smiled victoriously. She had won the position of 'Presiding officer that make sure no one breaks the code at the Valentine's Dance.' She was elected by the cats! She was the only candidate, and got one vote. That was because she bribed Sorreltail.

Blossomfall was prostituting herself at the dance. That was technically against the warrior code, but Hollyleaf loved to watch sex, so she would just spy on them.

Several more couples arrived, including Lionblaze and Icecloud.

Lionblaze and Icecloud danced around. "Hey, wanna take this to Firestar's nest?" She asked, placing her paw on his chest. "No. No, I don't." Lionblaze responded, and went to get some punch. He had to avoid sex with Icecloud. He just had to make Cinderheart jealous.

Mousewhisker laughed with her. "So me and Berrystumpyleg went up the tree…" Lionblaze caught him meow.

Lionblaze seethed with rage. He pulled his paw from the potato chips. He grabbed the bowl of punch, and doused the lovey dovey Mousewhisker and Cinderheart with it.

Jayfeather stood on the sidelines, laughing at everybody.

Foxleap and Ivypool attempted to dance, but Foxkit and Ivykit jumped on them, giggling. "Get away!" Ivypool exclaimed. Her hair had grown back in, thankfully. And she was always medicated, for the sake of her kits' mental health.

Ivypool went to eat some cookies. "Ugh. I'm so mad… the Dark Forest cats won't leave me alone!" She murmured to Blossomfall, who also got lessons there. As blood welled from a gash on her forehead, and the words 'Thistleclaw did this' were etched into her skin, and she was limping, she denied this. "What is the Dark Forest, Ivypool?" Blossomfall was a bad actress. "I think you're mouse-brained. I have to go service Spiderleg."

Leafpool looked at everyone, seeing Bumblestripe & Dovewing dancing. "Oh, are you two enjoying yourselves?" She sweetly asked. "Yes… We are!" The pair meowed in unison.

"WELL, ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN, BECAUSE EVENTUALLY, YOU TWO ARE GONNA RUN OFF TOGETHER, DECIDE TO COME BACK FOR A STUPID CLAN, GET PREGGO, YOU WILL DUMP HER KITS ON IVYPOOL, YOU ARE GONNA LEAVE HER, AND THEN, MOONS LATER, THE KITS WILL FIND OUT AND HATE YOU FOREVER, AND YOU TWO WILL SELDOM TALK TO EACH OTHER!" Leafpool yowled in response, and Bumblestripe and Dovewing went to go play Wii Sports set up away from the crazy maniac.

Mousewhisker stared at Lionblaze. "Lionblaze! Look what you did! Asshole!" He yowled. Cinderheart stared at him, too. "You still like me. You really aren't into Icecloud. You're trying to make me envious." She murmured, very close to him. "You did this spill on purpose."

Lionblaze turned red. Cinderheart had connected the dots. "Uh, No! I am totally not into you! Icecloud is now my girlfriend!"

"Shut up. It worked. I don't know why I ever left you. You're mine." Cinderheart meowed, putting her tail to Lionblaze's mouth.

The pair romantically danced, and Lionblaze felt great. He won her back! His botched plan actually worked! The two then went and had sexy sex in the Dirtplace. "OOOOOOHHHH…." Cinderheart yowled as they did it, and Lionblaze grinned. He had hit a good spot and then they- CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED BY THE CENSORING ASSOCIATION OF THUNDERCLAN!

The game section set on fire, and the music stopped. Every cat screamed loudly. Breezepelt emerged from the flames, blood dripping from his teeth. "Why is blood dripping from your teeth?" Jayfeather sarcastically asked. Breezepelt was retarded, Jayfeather knew that.

"Make-up. For dramatic effect, you know." Breezepelt explained. Jayfeather nodded. "I see. Oh, wait… GET OUTTA HERE, BREEZEPELT! GRR! GRR! GRR!" He exclaimed.

Every cat now faced Breezepelt. "I have come to ruin your dance!" He proclaimed, and they all gasped. First, Breezepelt turned to Dovewing and Bumblestripe. "Bumblestripe, let's start with you. Did you know, I saw Dovewing screwing Tigerheart in a bush yesterday? That's weird!" Breezepelt said in a mock surprised voice. "I even have footage to prove it!"

"Why would you record that?" Dovewing asked bluntly. "Well, it's definitely not because I find pleasure in watching the tape… But the point still stands! I have a sex tape of Dovewing and Tigerheart!" She had caught Breezepelt off guard for a moment.

"How could you, skanky little skank beotch skank girl, that came from Whitewing's skanky hole, that has a skanky life, with a skanky love affair, with a skanky, yet beautiful, face!" Bumblestripe shouted, and went to go literally cry a river.

"I would also like to reveal… Hollyleaf is super annoying!" Breezepelt added, creating an atmosphere of shock. Crickets literally cricked on that one. Everyone knew that.

"And, my last revelation… Brackenfur is hiding something… he is an average tom!" Breezepelt finished.

"Everyone knows that, dummy!" Sandstorm drunkly yelled, pausing from her guzzling of Budweiser mixed with rum.

"Hey, before you go… Wanna buy some sugary treats to support ThunderClan's purchase of sex toys?" Squirrelflight offered.

"Shut up, Squirrelflight! You were part of the terrible conspiracy of my father's _other_ kits that I won't mention!" Breezepelt condescended.

"Gosh, what a son of a beotch! Literally!" Jayfeather called out, and Squirrelflight nodded. "Nightcloud is an annoying, uptight beotch!" She agreed.

"Alright, Breezepelt the Bastard shall now leave you, in your filth!" Breezepelt meowed. "This isn't over, thundercats!"

"Of course I'm an average, boring tom, with no drama whatsoever! How could he even pretend that that's a surprise?" Brackenfur remarked to his mate Sorreltail as Breezepelt flew away with his jetpack.

The party resumed, although, it lost most of the little life it had to begin with.

Mousewhisker was disappointed, his tail drooping in the sand. Cinderheart just abandoned him to bang Lionblaze! And his fur was stained pink, from the punch!

Hollyleaf observed that all was well. Few couples remained. So, she chatted with the dateless Rosepetal, by the snacks.

However, Foxkit and Ivykit were very energetic. They scampered towards the heart-shaped sprinkle cookies, and pelted them at Hollyleaf. "Hey, stop it, stupid little brats!" She hissed, unsheathing her claws. They giggled, and splashed cups of punch on every cat that hadn't retired to hunt or rest.

Ivypool suddenly decided to go off her meds. Her mind overtook the medication Jayfeather had bought for 77 cents at Walgreens.

"Oh my gosh, a poisonous beetle!" Ivypool exclaimed to Graystripe as he played The Game of Life with Millie in the game section. "WHAT? WHERE!" Graystripe called desperately.

Ivypool jumped on Graystripe, and shredded his fur. "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR ME NOT BEING IN THE PROPHECY!" She exclaimed.

"What prophecy? Why are you clawing at me?" Graystripe asked as he was mercilessly battered by Ivypool's claws of fury.

"Get off my mate, dumb medless ass!" Millie commanded. "Shut your hole, stupid kittypet!" Ivypool retaliated, and Millie gasped. "Where's Briarlight, so I can sob?" She cried. "I'm your daughter too! I'll be your shoulder to cry on!" Blossomfall hopelessly offered, pausing her paid sex with Spiderleg.

Millie nipped at Blossomfall. "Shut up! Briarlight can't walk, so she's the only kit that matters!"

Blossomfall looked crestfallen, and humped Spiderleg harder, out of misery. "YEAAAAHHH! KEEP IT COMIN'!" Spiderleg yelled.

Icecloud sobbed, going to her den, crying herself to sleep. Lionblaze didn't really like her... She would have to do revenge...

Ivypool eventually got off Graystripe, after tearing chunks off his fur. She passed out in the punch, dyeing her fur pink, forgetting about her roughhousing kits. Foxleap had to put them to bed that night, in the nursery.

"Alright, screw it, I'm just ending the tattered scraps that are left of this dance!" Poppyfrost gave in, and everyone else was glad. They just left Ivypool in the bowl of punch. She would wake up in the morning, hopefully.

Hollyleaf was heading towards her den, but was stopped by Mousewhisker. "Wanna hook up? Be my girlfriend?" He asked. "I think you're smokin' sexy."

Hollyleaf was shocked. Mousewhisker was pretty yummy, now that she thought of it… "Okay, why not?" Hollyleaf optimistically answered, and the new pair went into a bush and had hot sex.

Jayfeather couldn't help but chuckle as he padded to his den for the night. For once, the ThunderClan Sweethear Dance had been miserable, and it was pretty fun to watch. Jayfeather sighed, and went into his sleeping rock. He hoped to get a dream from StarClan tonight. Especially one that was pervish. And gave them a clue as what to do next. He fell asleep, glad Valentine's Day was finally over.

**Note: I personally liked this chapter! How about you? They had quite the train wreck of a dance! Please review, and come back for more chapters! Only a few more until the epic finale! (But no one ever said a sequel wouldn't happen.) Stay tuned for the next chapters!**


	11. Chapter 11: Nuclear Weapons

Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors or any brands mentioned in the story.

The ThunderClan Chorus gathered, and Jayfeather went in the front of the small group, conducted by Squirrelflight.

"Alright, from the top!" Squirrelflight yowled, and the cats began to sing.

"High School Musical, who says we have to let it go? It's the best part we've ever known, so step into the future!" The chorus sang at a fast pace.

"Little off-key!" Berrystumpyleg called, and Jayfeather gave him the evil eye. Jayfeather adored chorus. It was so fun! He loved singing.

"You sounded great, Jayfeather!" Cinderheart complimented. She was one of the best members of the choir.

Jayfeather, being how mean he was, snapped at Cinderheart. "Shut up, stupid beotch!"

Icecloud slinked by the WindClan border, and saw Breezepelt. "Breezepelt!" She whispered. Icecloud was still intent on avenging herself, on the fact that Lionblaze had played her to get back Cinderheart. She would help Breezepelt take down Lionblaze.

"I am taking down ThunderClan, but you can be spared. Cookies will indeed by available." Breezepelt attempted to bargain with Icecloud.

"Will our meetings interfere with the new episodes of 'The View?'" Icecloud couldn't miss it!

"Dark Forest no! Damn, I love The View! Especially when Barbara and Whoopi get catty with each other!" Breezepelt reassured, and the duo were pleased. Icecloud would ally herself with Breezepelt to take down ThunderClan, just so she could nab Lionblaze.

Hollyleaf somehow happened to be watching, and realized what Icecloud might be doing. Was she feeding Breezepelt about the ThunderClan Nuclear Weapons program? She couldn't! Hollyleaf would have to brutally murder Icecloud, and run into a tunnel and fake her death again, to preserve the warrior code.

"AAAAHHHH!" Ivypool randomly screamed, and fell down for absolutely no reason.

"I've fallen, and I can't get up!" Ivypool exclaimed. "I must use Life Alert!" She pushed her nose on the button, and nothing happened. "Dammit! What the f**king Dark Forest is going on? This retarded piece of sh*t isn't working!" Ivypool ranted, still unable to get up, despite her youth, and falling for no reason, on the soft grass, and the medicine den was only a few feet from the nursery. Her kits played with her mate, Foxleap, as she doubled over in pain.

"Let all cats old enough to commit murder gather under the Highledge for a clan f**king!" Firestar called out, and the cats gathered.

"The rebellion of Ferncloud's kits has affected us deeply! The Tribe of Epic Awesomeness has taken 6% of our territory prey! The kits have learned how to survive on their own!" Firestar announced. Everyone was appalled. "Oh my StarClan!" exclaimed Ferncloud, as she fainted. "STARCLAN, DOESN'T EXIST, BEOTCH! I AM STARTING THE ALLIANCE OF ANTI-STARCLANNERS!" Cloudtail proclaimed, and him and Daisy cheered.

Lionblaze, Cloudtail and Daisy were gathered around a large table they rented from . "Why are you an Anti-StarClanner, Lionblaze?" Daisy asked friendishly.

"Because, StarClan didn't give me good fundraising skills." Lionblaze meowed, and a flashback occurred.

"Yo, random loners, wanna buy some chocolates?" Lionblaze asked, drunkly. He had consumed a three, six, or eleven drinks before going on the fundraising trip organized by Brambleclaw. The random loners looked at him, scared. "Oh my gosh, what is he saying? I'm scared!" The random loners exclaimed, and ran away.

"And that's my story." Lionblaze finished. "Oh, bless your soul!" Daisy sympathetically said.

"I am a non-believer, because I was born a f**king kittypet, and my mother, Princess, had a retarded name, and I pooed in a stream. It changed my belief in StarClan forever." Cloudtail explained, nodding.

Dovewing walked through the forest. "I'm casting my senses, because I'm a special prophecy cat!" She called out, hoping no one heard her yowl. She was searching for Bumblestripe, so they could reconcile, and then hump hard. Her and Tigerheart only had a one time thing! Because of stupid Breezepelt, Bumblestripe HAD to find out.

"Shut up, Dovewing, or I'll nuke your skanky ass!" Hollyleaf whispered, and Dovewing kept quiet. She found Bumblestripe, with his fur unstraightened. "OH MY GOSH! I can't even LOOK at you! Your fur is unstraight!" Dovewing looked away. Eventually, the pair got back together, AGAIN, and went to go walk, and talk about the latest episode of Desperate Housecats, and then hump hard in a tree branch.

Hollyleaf stared down Icecloud form the shadows… As she read Fire and Ice. "OMS! I hope Cinderpaw is okay! I wonder if Cinderheart is a reincarnation of her? Coincidence!" Hollyleaf meowed, as she kept one eye of Icecloud.

"Oh, that was really good, Toadstep…" Jayfeather moaned, after having a long night of hot sex with the pregnant Toadstep… Then, Jayfeather came to his senses.

"Wait… I'm a straight medicine cat! Get your little douche ass outta here, rapist!" Jayfeather yowled, literally kicking Toadstep out.

Toadstep moaned. He was carrying an unloving Lionblaze's kits, and his new lover, Jayfeather, kicked him out.

Jayfeather relaxed, and muttered about how much he hated his life. It really didn't suck, but he was an overly dramatic hormonal bastard.

Breezepelt and Icecloud were done. They had negotiated with the Tribe of Epic Awesomeness. They would take down ThunderClan.

"Give us… moss balls and smooth sticks to play with!" The leader, Kitmaster, demanded. Kitmaster and the others had black stripes on their cheeks.

Breezepelt and Icecloud obviously adhered to this, and gave them the stuff. The dreaded invasion was on.

**Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The finale is coming soon! Please review, and laugh! :D**


	12. Chapter 12: Dreaming of Nyan Cats

Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors, or any brands mentioned in the story.

Dovewing rallied her friends, Bumblestripe, (her boyfriend, actually), Toadstep, her gay friend, Hollyleaf, and Rosepetal. "I hereby start the Dove Posse! We will degrade all the non-cool members of the clan." Dovewing declared, and the group approached Briarlight.

"We're so cooler than you. You can't walk. I am a prophecy cat." Dovewing began.

"I'm dating a prophecy cat!" Bumblestripe meowed.

"I have had sex with two prophecy cats!" Toadstep condescended, thinking of Lionblaze and Jayfeather. "I'm even pregnant by one!"

"I am a former prophecy cat, and sister of two prophecy cats! And, I'm Head of the ThunderClan Department of Code Enforcement!" Hollyleaf bragged.

"I was hanged, and barely survived, by a former prophecy cat." Rosepetal put in, glaring at Hollyleaf.

"OMS! I'm so saddd! I must bow down to the amazing Dove Posse!" Briarlight bursted into tears. She was especially jealous of how Rosepetal was cool.

Lionblaze was having sex with Cinderheart in a pile of mouse droppings. Cinderheart licked Lionblaze's poo-brown fur. "Nomnomnom… This makes me ssssoo horny…" She meowed, and Lionblaze smiled sexually. "OOOOH! GOOD SPOT!" He yowled, and they giggled, Cinderheart's bra hanging from a nearby tree.

Jayfeather was dreaming. A bunch of nyan cats were going through the territory, destroying everything in their wake, even Jayfeather's favorite sexual partner, the Stick. Then, he saw Spottedleaf and Rock making out really hard. "What the Dark Forest?" Jayfeather exclaimed. "Oh yeah, speaking of Dark Forest, do you stupid dead cats have any advice on beating them down, you know?"

Spottedleaf and Rock stopped making out, and straightened. "Beware of the poptart… for when it and the rainbow are combined, they will wreak destruction on the forest…" They warned in unison, and faded away.

Jayfeather woke up, panting, thinking about the dream.

"F**k you, stupid beotch!" Foxleap screamed at Ivypool. "NOOO, F**k YOU, dumb pile of fox dung that is an ugly and desperate asshole!" Ivypool retaliated. Foxleap had been cheating on her, with Hazeltail. Foxleap didn't really like Hazeltail. He just wanted a short fling.

"I want a divorce!" Ivypool demanded. She couldn't stand him anymore! She would go on, raising her kits alone, but he would have to pay child support.

Foxleap, however, was also mad. Ivypool never was on her meds! He couldn't handle being with her.

Lionblaze was in the Fourclan gym, flexing his muscles, while a few other cats were on treadmills.

He lifted a 75 pounds weight. "Easssy…" Lionblaze meowed, listening to 'Whip My Fur' by Willowpelt on his iPod. His motivation song… Lionblaze attempted to lift a 2 pound weight, to see how easy it was, and it crushed his Schwartzenegger arm. "AAAHH! I TORE A TENDON!" He exclaimed. Lionblaze wiggled on the floor painfully. Everyone else thought he was doing the worm. As Hollowflight worked out, he giggled at Lionblaze's stupidity.

"ARRAAAHHHOO!" Jayfeather called out for a prophecy meeting. As I mentioned in an earlier chapter, only Lionblaze, Dovewing, and Hollyleaf understood this. Everyone else thought it was Jayfeather experiencing his menstrual cramps.

"What's happening?" Dovewing asked Jayfeather.

"Yeah, dude. You interrupted my working out." Lionblaze said, his arm positioned peculiarly, to try and cover up the evidence of the torn tendon.

Hollyleaf nodded. "Guys, shut up, stupid holes!" She murmured, wanting to listen to Jayfeather.

"Thank you, Hollyleaf. Now, I received a dream from StarClan. It was very scary. A bunch of nyan cats annihilated the four clans, even my lover, the Stick!" Jayfeather was very scared. "Spottedleaf and Rock delivered a prophecy. Beware of the poptart… for when it and the rainbow are combined, they will wreak destruction on the forest…" He said.

"Pff, I wouldn't be too worried, if a rock delivered it…" Dovewing meowed, rolling her eyes. "You are such a retarded beotch, Dovewing!" Jayfeather scolded meanly.

Ivypool and Foxleap appeared in the Supreme Court of ThunderClan. AKA, the middle of camp, by the fresh-kill pile.

"My lawyer is Purdy!" Ivypool called, and Purdy appeared before her. "Gi giz! Imm reprezenteng I-v-pul! Iv nevur ben a loier b4, itz gud 2 tri noo thengs!" Purdy toothlessly exclaimed, smiling.

Foxleap sighed. This would be hard to win! "My lawyers are Molepaw and Cherrypaw." He proclaimed, and Ivypool was scared out of her wits.

She would have to win. Ivypool wanted her money from the settlement!

"And, The Honorable Chief Justice of the ThunderClan Supreme Court… Brambleclaw!" The announcer, Thornclaw, introduced.

"And now, The Honorable Associate Justices of the ThunderClan Supreme Court…. Kim Kardashian, Elton John, Lady Gaga, Toto and his Translator, Albus Dumbledore, Octomom, The Situation, and Miley Cyrus!" Thornclaw finished, and the justices walked to their respective spots.

Lady Gaga, dressed as a cookie, spoke. "I think you should express yourself… and pick your choice… Is Foxleap bi or gay?" She asked. She was answered no. "Is Ivypool bi or gay?" Gaga persisted. She was answered no. "Lol, then screw this!" Lady Gaga said, and chewed on her costume. "Get the f**king divorce!" She said through cookie.

"I think you should keep the marriage! You should go, until you have fourteen offspring, like me! Maybe you'll have a litter of ei-" Octomom began, and was cut off. "Thanks for your opinion!" Ivypool meowed. She didn't even want that possibility MENTIONED.

"Omg…. Like, get divorced! I did it, only after 72 days! Marriage has no meaning, you know? You can end it anytttiiimmmeeee….. Omg! I gotta send a tweet!" Kim Kardashian put in her input, and checked her phone.

The Situation, from Jersey Shore, tore off his shirt. "Whoah! I wanna f**k you hard, Ivypool, so get the divorce! Everyone loves a guido!" He exclaimed.

"Alright, so what does this mean?" Lionblaze asked about the new prophecy.

"I think the rainbow is Breezepelt. Because he is out after us. And he's gay, so the rainbow would make sense. I think the poptart is another cat, who we don't know the identity yet. Maybe a traitor?" Jayfeather explained.

"A traitor? Scary! I'm scared! Damn, I'm really scared now!" Dovewing meowed, fear creeping into her soul, and began to bawl. "I don't want nyan cats to destroy me and Bumblestripe and Ivypool! And… the others!"

"I have an idea of who the traitor. Because I'm a crazy, nosy, warrior-code-OCD cat, I was spying on Icecloud, and she was meeting with Breezepelt, the other day. I'm gonna kill her." Hollyleaf meowed, a blazing look in her eyes.

Dovewing nodded. "Good idea." It suddenly started to downpour rain outside.

"OMS, this is all your fault, Lionblaze, stupid f**king bastard! Burn in Dark Forest!" Jayfeather yowled, and jumped on Lionblaze, scratching him. Lionblaze was defenseless, because he could further hurt his wound, and he didn't want anyone to find out.

"Get off me, poopyface!" Lionblaze squealed, and escaped from Jayfeather's weak clawhold. He was a blind medicine cat.

"OMS! I hate my life! I hate it! I'm blind! I'm blind! I can't fight good! I was born from a forbidden love! It sucks! I pity myself! Argh! Ugh!" Jayfeather ranted.

Ivypool was undisturbed by the sudden deluge. She wanted to get this divorce done and over with. Foxkit and Ivykit played in the rain, slipping on the smooth mud, and making mud smoothies with their mud pizzas, and eating them. "Nommmm…."

"Woof woof, arf arf!" Toto barked, and his translator spoke.

"The Honorable Toto says that he is against the divorce. Toto says that Foxleap and Ivypool should go on a lovely, romantic vacation to the land of Oz, and be treated nicely by the munchkins. Toto hates the water, so he apologizes, but he is going back to Kansas now." The translator translated in a monotone voice, and the two got into a limo and drove away.

"Stupid mousebrain dog, what the Dark Forest is it even talking about?" Molepaw murmured, and giggled with his sister.

"Hey! Be professional lawyers, my kits. Besides, the Wizard of Oz was inspired by true events.' Berrystumpyleg scolded his kits.

"Order in the court, order. Continue." Brambleclaw ordered.

Elton John was dressed like a peacock. Still looking weird, even 25 years after his heyday.

"Hey, that's the bully from the Pepsi commercial who gave his Pepsi up, finally, and fell into the hole of garbage! The singing lady saved the day! He's been singing a LOT longer, and she's better." Brightheart remarked.

"Everyone knows that commercial is a rip off of Star Wars." Birchfall put in.

"Silence, before my Cockesty!" Elton demanded. "Foxleap, wanna go on a date?" He asked.

"No!" Foxleap yowled.

"Fine. I vote for divorce." Elton John said angrily.

"His Cockesty gives his opinion!" Cherrypaw calls, giggling with Molepaw at the honorific.

Miley Cyrus appeared before the crowd. "Ya'll, I wanna dedicate this here song to this great couple, that I wrote while smoking pot, like I usually do- You get the beeeeest of no divorce, stay together now, it would be a good idea. You get the beeeest of no divorce. Mix all 'er it up, and you know you got tha best 'a no divorce…" She sang out of rhythm of 'Best Of Both Worlds.' "Stay together, guys." Cyrus said, and smoked some pot after.

"Shee iz soo moltie-talintid!" Purdy meowed, standing in front of Ivypool. Ivypool rolled her eyes, wishing this would just be over.

Albus Dumbledore magically appeared. "I am 150 years old. When you become 150 years old, you will want to have someone." Dumbledore gave his opinion, and magically disappeared.

"Alright, miraculously, it's split. Half and half, between who should get divorced, between the justices. However, as Chief Justice, I am casting the tiebreaker vote. I am a divorcee, because of that stupid lesbian Squirrelflight, and how she tricked me. If they are unhappy, which they must be, I vote in favor of divorce." Brambleclaw announced, and the remaining justices filed out of the camp, except for Brambleclaw. Ivypool breathed with relief. "Finally!" She meowed, and cast the evil eye at Foxleap. She despised her ex-husband.

"Why are you blaming me for this?" Lionblaze asked Jayfeather.

"You're the one who used Icecloud to get back Cinderheart!" Dovewing chimed in.

"Yeah, dumb ass! It's your fault!" Jayfeather agreed.

Lionblaze realized they were right. "ThunderClan will stand united! For the most part…" He said. He was too wimpy to be in the battle.

"Well, I'll keep an eye on Icecloud, make sure she reveals nothing important, like the nuclear bombs, and I'll murder her, when the time comes." Hollyleaf reasoned, excluding the part about faking her death in the tunnels again.

Hollyleaf left the meeting, and saw her boyfriend, Mousewhisker. "Hey, sexy cutie." Mousewhisker meowed. "Holla, baby!" Hollyleaf greeted, and they jumped in the bathtub, with had a HUGE mountain of bubbles, and, concealed in the bubbles, banged.

Dovewing left the meeting, and, after screwing Bumblestripe, went to Ivypool. "So, you're not with that cocky ass bastard Foxleap anymore, huh? Will you stay on your meds?" Dovewing asked, praying Ivypool would.

"Dark Forest no! Jayfeather is dumping my meds in the stream as we speak. New life, no meds." Ivypool mischievously meowed, and Dovewing cursed.

"How is it with Bumblestripe?" Ivypool asked.

"Fine. We just screwed a few minutes ago." Dovewing nodded. Screws were signs of a good relationship.

"Alright, there goes the Walgreens generic brand of bipolar medication…" Jayfeather muttered, as he dumped the pills in, along with several other types. He had got them dirt cheap at Walgreens, and their effect wasn't very good.

**Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and it gave you a few laughs! Please review! Finale is coming soon.**


	13. Chapter 13: Finale

**Chapter 13: Finale!**

The final chapter is finally here! Please enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors, or any brands mentioned in the story.

Ivypool was not watching her kits. Ivypool was by the river, swimming, her bra laying on the shore.

Ivypool looked at the shore, to see that her bra wasn't there. "Hello? Is anyone there? Did anyone steal my bra? I would kinda like it back. I paid $65.56 for it at Victoria's Secret!" She called, and got scared when there was no response. "Is there any pervs watching me? Kits, is this your doing?" Ivypool called out.

Ivypool looked up, and she saw a cat jumping in the air towards her, claws outstretched. She screamed fruitlessly. The tom grabbed her. "Rape rape rape rape…" He murmured, and dragged the braless Ivypool away, after he was done, out of the river. She was unconscious.

Back at camp, Bumblestripe and Dovewing cuddled. "Awh my babie waby! Ooh, sweetykins!" Dovewing cooed, intertwining her tongue with his. "Goo goo gaga! That's a positive for my good spot!" Bumblestripe exclaimed, and Dovewing performed good sex on him.

"What the f**k are you two even doing?" Lionblaze asked, bewildered.

"Oh, we're doing some sexual roleplaying." Bumblestripe explained. "I'm the mother. He's the baby." Dovewing added.

"That's pretty f**ked up." Spiderleg remarked from the entrance to the den, and Lionblaze nodded in agreement. "Come. We have a patrol, stupid beotches." Lionblaze ordered, placing his paw at his masculine parts for a moment, caressing a bit. He likes it like that.

Jayfeather took his Flintstone's Gummy Multivitamin. "Nomnom… So yummerific!" He meowed.

Leafpool entered the medicine den. "OOOOHH! LIFE IS DEVOID OF ANYTHING GOOD AND PURE! OOHOHOHOO! III HATE IT!" She screeched.

"I hear you, sister." Jayfeather muttered. "Anyway, what are you here for?"

"Prescribe me ten types of antidepressant!" Leafpool commanded her son, angry.

"I'm pretty sure that's not health-" Jayfeather tried to speak, but Leafpool's loud voice overruled him.

"I DON'T GIVE A F**K, STUPID FAGGOT! GIVE ME SOME, OR I'LL BREAK YOUR F**KING DICK!" Leafpool screamed.

"Fine… Are you on your period?" Jayfeather asked, reluctantly handing over the ten bottles of pills.

"I ALWAYS AM!" Leafpool yowled, as she poured dozens of antidepressant pills in her mouth.

"I could tell… I think you're supposed to take those with wat-" Jayfeather tried to be reasonable, but was cut off again.

"SHUT YOUR F**KING MOUTH, ASSHOLE!" Leafpool ordered, striking Jayfeather with a belt repeatedly.

Hollyleaf stared at Icecloud. She had to do this.

"Here, Breezepelt." Icecloud murmured, and she handed him a small felt bag.

"Great. Alright, meet you by the gathering island at 7:30 tonight." Breezepelt replied, and padded away. Icecloud turned back towards camp, but Hollyleaf intercepted her.

"Icecloud… What were you doing?" Hollyleaf carefully asked, moving slowly towards the white warrior.

'Oh, Hollyleaf, Hi, I was just hunting." Icecloud scuffled her paws. She knew she was guilty.

"Did you tell Breezepelt about the nukes? Was that what you just gave him? Are you his ally?" Hollyleaf asked. Icecloud was a traitor!

"Back off, filthy mudblood!" Icecloud hissed, and the two got into a catfight, literally.

Hollyleaf hit Icecloud in the head, and eventually pinned her down. "Alright, tell me everything! NOW!" She yowled.

"We-" –choke- "were discussing The" –choke- "View together!" Icecloud barely choked out.

"Liar! TELL ME NOW! I SEE YOU MEET WITH HIM!" Hollyleaf yowled, strengthening her grip.

Icecloud managed to break free from Hollyleaf's grip, and punch her in the face. "Oh, you will not get away with a total bitch slap!" Hollyleaf yowled, and Icecloud ran, Hollyleaf pursuing her.

Lionblaze, patrolling with Bumblestripe and Dovewing, heard she-cat yowls. "That sounds like Icecloud! I think Hollyleaf is going after her!" Lionblaze yowled.

"Should we dress as prostitutes, to be more discreet?" Dovewing asked. "I could do a good hooker."

"I second that." Bumblestripe meowed with a nod.

"Shut up, retards!" Lionblaze called, already running, as the couple desperately tried to keep up.

Dovewing cast her senses. Icecloud had was being attacked by a mouse!

"According to my unrealistically large sense, because the prophecy, Icecloud is being attacked by a mouse!" Dovewing announced. Lionblaze and Bumblestripe gasped.

Jayfeather, bleeding badly, stared at Leafpool, enraged. "I can see why Crowfeather left you! You're such a morbidly depressed bitch! You've got no one to blame except for yourself! And now, your belting the son you didn't even raise!" His voice gradually crescendoed into loud anger.

Leafpool said no more, as her eyes slowly closed, and she collapsed. "See, she overdosed. Good riddance." Jayfeather hissed. "Now I can go watch the Real Housewives of Twolegplace, gosh." He added, making some popcorn to go along with it.

Purdy and Mousefur chatted. "So, Purdy, have you tried Flamin' Hot Cheetos?" Mousefur asked inquisitively.

"O, nu, I havint, Mowsfer! Wat td thay tast lik?" Purdy asked, and he tried one. "OCCOHIE! MAMA MEA! GRAT SON DONE PLAS! YEEEEEHAW!" He yowled, upon trying them, and seizured around the camp. "MAMAMAMANMANANAN!"

The ThunderClan Chorus were gathered, practicing. "Last Friday Night, yeah we danced on tabletops, yeah were took too many shots, think we kissed but I forgot…" They sang.

Jayfeather was doing a great job singing. "Alright, HSM Finale, from the top!" Squirrelflight called. "High School Musical, who says were have to let it go? It's the best part we've ever known, so step in to the future!" The chorus sang, Jayfeather clapping. Choir sure raised his spirits!

The assembly of singers was broken, as Purdy flopped through them. "Whoa!" They yowled, and Millie and Whitewing fell over, falling on their faces. Jayfeather chuckled at the two she-cats.

Suddenly, the dark gray sky lit up, with thunder, and a strike of lightning came down and zapped Purdy.

Many screamed, and Millie and Whitewing, disoriented by the strike, fell over again.

Lightning struck everywhere, and the cats retired to their dens. "Dammit, I have to treat a cat that was zapped, instead of be able to not do my job! UGH, I hate my liiiiffe!" Jayfeather gave an agonizing yowl.

"Oh oh, ow ow!" Icecloud meowed as the mouse nipped and attacked. She fell, and Hollyleaf jumped, as the lightning struck a nearby tree.

"I have you now." Hollyleaf murmured, and sunk her claws into Icecloud's skin.

"Show mercy!" Icecloud begged, and Hollyleaf shook her head, clawing Icecloud across the throat. "You ought to be punished for betraying us, handing nukes to the enemy, and ESPECIALLY, breaking the warrior code." Hollyleaf hissed, hitting Icecloud with a crowbar.

Lionblaze approached, with Dovewing and Bumblestripe. "Is she dead?" They asked.

"No!" Hollyleaf yowled, as Icecloud twitched, blood flowing like a river from her empty eye sockets, mouth, and ass.

"Lolololololo!" The call sounded through the forest. "That's the call of the Tribe of Epic Awesomeness! AKA, Ferncloud's numerous kits.' Dovewing remarked.

Lionblaze knew the battle would begin momentarily. He looked at Hollyleaf. Lionblaze noticed her eyeing the tunnels. "Hollyleaf, don't you dare…" Lionblaze whispered to her, and Hollyleaf sprinted.

"Bumblestripe, go back to camp…" Dovewing muttered to her boyfriend, and he left, and with Lionblaze, Dovewing chased after Hollyleaf. "Hollyleaf, no. You can't do this again. Think. You have your boyfriend. And duties as warrior code nagger." Lionblaze reasoned.

"Yes, Hollyleaf! Even though you are an annoying bitch that makes up rules of the code, and you go to extremes to preserve those fake rules, stay!" Dovewing begged, and Hollyleaf shook her head.

"Peace, mothafuckas!" Hollyleaf exclaimed, giving the middle finger to the pair as she said this. She rain into the tunnels. She pushed the red button, and the rocks avalanched over the entrance.

"AAHAHAHAAAASOAOSOASOO!" Hollyleaf let out a fake blood curtling scream from the tunnels, to make Lionblaze and Dovewing think she was killed in the avalanche of stones.

Ivypool was tied to a wooden post. "Give me my Victoria's Secret bra!" She commanded hoarsely, bleeding in a few spots.

"I need a f**k buddy." The tom simply replied.

"It's not f**king! It's rape, for StarClan's sake!" Ivypool yowled. "Let me go! And I want my freaking bra! That cost me a lot of money, I ain't leaving without it!"

"Breezepelt is paying me to keep you captive." The tom said.

"Breezepelt! What threat do I pose to him?" Ivypool was shocked. Breezepelt ordered her to be kidnapped! She was just a normal she-cat!

"He's afraid that if you're off your meds when he attacks, you'll do something rash, like find the power to win." The tom grew agitated with Ivypool's questions.

"Attack? Let me go, bastard!" Ivypool yelled.

Darth Vader's March played as the Tribe of Epic Awesomeness, led by Breezepelt and Kitmaster, marched into camp.

Brackenfur was conducting the orchestra that was playing the music, and Firestar signaled to him to stop.

"What do you want?" Firestar asked.

"Vengeance." Breezepelt simply said. "The Rainbow will wreak venegeance upon the clan! I demand Toadstep as my sexual partner." He yowled.

"Toadstep is birthing kits at the moment." Daisy called from the nursery.

"Well, I'm still attacking… Tribe of Epic Awesomeness, ATTTTACK!" Breezepelt yowled, and the kits came out and jumped on everyone playfully.

"Kits! Kits! Come here, mommy loves you!" Ferncloud exclaimed.

Lionblaze and Dovewing headed to Jayfeather's den as thunder filled the sky, barely averting the raging battle.

"Jayfeather! The battle is here." Dovewing announced.

"OMS, Dovewing, you are so f**king retarded. You think I don't see that? It's right in the camp, beotch!" Jayfeather yowled elbowing Dovewing in the vagina. "Where the f**k is that s**thead Hollyleaf?"

"Well, she killed Icecloud… and ran into the tunnels again…" Lionblaze explained. "I should probably get to the battle, so I can use my muscles."

"Really? Another good riddance. This day is full of good riddances, you know? First, that beotch Leafpool, then the skank ass Purdy, then the treacherous Icecloud, and now that annoying beotch Hollyleaf!" Jayfeather happily remarked.

"Where's Ivypool?" Dovewing asked aloud, but before she got an answer, a kit jumped on her patting her with their sheathed paws. "Ow! No, ow! I'm not pizza dough!" Dovewing squealed, defenseless.

"There's a resemblance." Jayfeather muttered to Lionblaze, and the two brothers chuckled.

"Jfether, I nat ded!" Purdy yowled from his nest, and Jayfeather froze, hoping Purdy didn't hear the insults about him.

Lionblaze jumped into battle, being tackled to a tree by two kits, batting him their their small, fluffy tails. "Ahhhww! The agony!"

Cinderheart came to Lionblaze's aid, throwing off the kits. "You know what's sad… You're supposed to be the prophecy muscle guy, and yet your girlfriend had to beat up two kits for you." Cinderheart playfully, yet truthfully, remarked, and they kissed each other's penis and vagina before the continued.

Lionblaze saw Breezepelt advancing towards Jayfeather's den, and hurried towards the den.

Ivypool clawed open the ropes, and pushed the top into a rushing river, giving him the finger. Ivypool quickly raced towards her kits, Foxkit and Ivykit. Unlike the trained warriors, the two kits were beating down tribe kits left and right. "Mommy!" The kits exclaimed, running towards their mother, Ivypool smiling.

Lionblaze ran by Jayfeather, and Breezepelt entered. "Ah, my two worst enemies… I oughta kill you guys myself." Breezepelt said. "Oh, f**k off, wussy little pussy!" Jayfeather hissed to his half-brother. "I'll use my ultra strength to take you down!" Lionblaze exclaimed, and Breezepelt grew angry, throwing off his high heels.

Dovewing saw Ivypool. "Ivypool! Where were you?" Dovewing asked lovingly, hugging her sister.

"Ergh… I was at an Adult Novelties and Bakery." Ivypool lied. She would keep Breezepelt's kidnapper secret.

Dovewing nodded understandingly, and saw Breezepelt on top of Lionblaze, in the mouth of the medicine den.

"Ehhhhhaaaa! Mommy!" Lionblaze called, Breezepelt chewing on his fur.

Dovewing and Ivypool exchanged a glance, and a nod. They thundered towards Breezepelt, and leapt onto his back. The sisters brought him to the ground, and Lionblaze got back up.

"Lol, Lionblaze, I think they picked the wrong cat for the prophecy, because your strength actually sucks!" Jayfeather teased, clapping his hands together as he hysterically laughed. Lionblaze threw him the evil eye.

After ten minutes, of Dovewing, Ivypool and Lionblaze tormenting Breezepelt, he finally gave in. "Fine! I give up! I'm calling off the attack!" Breezepelt exclaimed. 'Show mercy on my pitiful soul!"

Breezepelt slipped from the three. "That was fun." Ivypool remarked. Lionblaze wiped away tears. "Yup." Dovewing beckoned everyone into the normal camp.

By now, the whole Tribe of Epic Awesomeness had given up, going back to their mother, Ferncloud, in the nursery. "Oh, I'm so glad!" Dustpelt, their father, exclaimed, licking some blood off his paw.

The whole clan formed a huge crowd, a clearing in the center, where Breezepelt stood. Toadstep had a kit in his arm.

"Lionblaze, this is your kit!" Toadstep meowed. He looked very happy.

"How is it even possible for two toms to have a kit?" Seedkit asked from the crowd, and Sorreltail realized she hadn't given Seedkit and Lilykit the 'birds and the bees' talk yet.

Lionblaze, in his assy manner, looked away from the tom. "His name is Rainkit." Toadstep continued.

Lionblaze gave in. "It is my son… I love him. BUT, I STILL HATE YOU, TOADSTEP!"

"Awww…" Everyone said.

As Lionblaze carried his son, Toadstep went towards Breezepelt. "You've earned my love. Let's get out of here." He whispered, and Breezepelt smiled.

"Why does Toadstep like all of Crowfeather's sons?" Dovewing asked aloud, and Ivypool agreed. "Yeah, that is ironic."

So, yeah, Toadstep and Breezepelt ran off into the sunset, to start their new lives together. "The storm cleared up!" Ivypool noticed, everyone cheered.

"This is getting really cheesy!" Dovewing added, and murmurs of agreement spread around.

Lionblaze and Cinderheart adopted Rainkit. "Oh my son… meet your adoptive mother, and my girlfriend… Cinderheart." Lionblaze introduced, and Rainkit spat in Cinderheart's eyes. "Bitch!"

"Oh, aren't you just the cutest thing?" Cinderheart meowed, wiping kit saliva from her now burning eyes.

Lionblaze and Cinderheart smiled, happy together.

Bumblestripe and Dovewing were happy dating. Dovewing was sluttish anymore, so not cheating took place.

Ivypool raised her kits. Never took another pill again, which made her happy.

As for Jayfeather? Jayfeather sat in his den, grumping as he organized his herbs, and came to a realization. He smiled. He could live, now that he realized this! "I…am a douchebag!" Jayfeather exclaimed, and repeated it over and over quietly, and he reached the top of the Highledge.

Jayfeather was laughing hysterically, and every cat was shocked. "Since when does Jayfeather laugh?" Brambleclaw called, and Jayfeather spoke. "I have an announcement to make!"

He had every cat's attention.

"I can now live a better life, and I can be a better cat! Because, I have come to a life-changing realization! I… am a douchebag!" Jayfeather exclaimed to the clan, and everyone cheered, dancing around.

Jayfeather was breathing heavily, from the happiness, and without realizing it, fell off the edge of the Highledge. Everyone gasped.

"I'm okay!" Jayfeather yowled. And everyone danced and danced and danced around, eating ice cream, drinking soda, and partying until midnight. And, for the most part, they all lived happily ever after…

**Note: And that's a wrap! I hope you enjoyed this parody. I know I enjoyed writing it, and I hope it gave you all some laughs. Please review! If the reviews keep coming, then you may hear news of a sequel in the future… Thanks for reading Warriors: A Parody! -lugirox**


End file.
